Artemis Fowl Saves the WorldWell, Eventually!
by coolcube
Summary: The Lower Elements are in danger and the LEP need to ask for help. Unfortunately, Jennica, the newest (and most inexperienced) operative is the only one above ground. Yup, Haven is doomed. Chapter 8 up, Please review! (but read it first of course)
1. Prologue

Prologue 

* * *

There is no single word on earth, or below it, to describe Jennica Fields. Psychologists, doctors, friends, and janitors have tried and failed (and then ran out screaming and were never heard from again.) You can say perky, klutzy, unnerving, kind, annoying, naive, and loves lip gloss a little too much, but, then again, that would be similar to describing the Titanic as a bit unsafe. One word fits, it is umm, special. But not quite. So, the perfect way for you to see for yourself, is to describe her first ill-fated mission for the LEP, to Fowl Manor.  
  
She was thirteen and a quarter at the time...........

* * *

A/N I will have the real Chapter Nine (or ten, now) up soon, but I don't think anyone will read it , because it is number 97 already, and no one (except maybe me) looks past 20. Oh well. :( 


	2. Mission

A/N This is my first story, hope you like it!! Please review, but not if you are going to say something along the lines of corny and not funny! Not too optimistic, am I ? :-D  
  
Chapter One - Mission  
  
Jennica was slightly nervous. That didn't happen very often. Being taller than everyone in your race can have that effect. You see, Jennica was a fairy, and fairies were about three feet tall, on the average. Jennica was four foot one. Even Commander Root never dared argue with her.  
  
Jennica's mission was to find Artemis Fowl and make him regain his memories of the People. And then convince him to help save the People.  
  
My gosh, thought Jennica, they call this a mission? No fighting or saving anybody. How boring. So then why hadn't anyone else volunteered? I mean, how scary is a 13- year old? Still, the video message warning stretching three minutes long wasn't helping much. And, look what had happened to Holly, and she had been the best officer. Though no one could ever get her to admit it. Well, she thought, if Artemis ever tried anything like that, he would find himself in a county hospital sooner than anyone would think.  
  
So, with that thought in mind, Jennica stepped up to the front door of Fowl Manor and knocked loudly three times.  
  
By way of response, a computerized camera leapt out of the door. Ricocheted, more like, thought Jennica, whom it had hit squarely on the head.  
  
"Watch it!", she said to the machine.  
  
"State your name," it said, ignoring her. "Uh," said Jennica. She couldn't decide whether to use her real name or make one up.  
  
"Invalid response," said the camera, knocking Jennica in the head again.  
  
"Jennica," she said. "I come in peace. But if you don't stop hitting me in the head, I won't."  
  
"State your mission," it said again. Jennica, whose head was sore by now, was on the verge of breaking the camera into pieces. What was this, 20 questions? "That is confidential," she said. "And if your camera here knocks me out, Fowl, I'll sue you! Do you hear---"  
  
A pale, smiling teenager opened the huge front door. "Nice to meet you too," he said. 


	3. Deja Vue

Chapter Two - De Ja Vue A/N Hope I spelled that right!! :)  
  
Jennica was taken aback. My gosh, you don't have to be sarcastic, thought Jennica. She never would have been able to sue anyway. She didn't have any lawyer. She had tried to sue her best lawyer last week, and so, he had quit.  
  
But, she wouldn't tell Artemis that.  
  
"What do you want? You're wasting my time. I could be hacking into any bank right now!", said Artemis.  
  
"Oh. Well, I have something important to tell you." So, a very bored looking Artemis led her into the conference room. "Well? What is so important?"  
  
Jennica wasn't sure how to begin. "We need your help. The LEP. And the whole of Haven City. See, we are —"  
  
"The what? What exactly is the LEP?" Jennica had forgotten that Artemis did not remember anything of the People. "Well, see, the LEP is an underground police force. Not underground as in black market. Underground, as in, uh, literally. See, we are fairies ---"  
  
Artemis spit out all of the Irish coffee he was drinking. Butler, who had been standing next to him, was immediately drenched. A huge pity, because he had just bought a new suit. White. No amount of dry cleaning would fix that.  
  
"Fairy?" Artemis did not look so bored now. "Very incredibly interesting."  
  
Apparently that was some kind of cue, because Butler nodded knowingly. Jennica looked around, surprised. What was going on?  
  
And then, everything went black.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Jennica woke up in a tiny room. Thinking she was home, she took a drink from a cup beside her. When she looked around, she spit out all her Coke all over the walls. She was definitely not at home anymore.  
  
The room wasn't much smaller than her own, only it was missing a few crucial elements. Namely, windows, paint, and furniture. Where on Earth was she?  
  
"What happened?" she said into the empty air. At that moment, she spotted a tiny camera on the wall. Oh no.  
  
"Okay, I know this violates one of the Amendments!!", she said. 


	4. A Plan

Chapter Three- A Plan  
  
A/N Still have no idea what to name my unique character. So for now, I'll stay with Jennica.  
  
*reviewers start walking away*  
  
No! Wait!! I promise I'll change it!!!  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Jennica was quite angry. Partly at herself. Why hadn't she payed attention to what was happening? The commander (plus her family) was always lecturing her about this. At these times, she would stare wide-eyed at the person pretending to be politely alert, while conveniently daydreaming about lipgloss and computer programs. She almost wished she had listened. Almost.  
  
But, she was mostly angry at Artemis Fowl. He would be so dead when she got out of here. She felt like breaking something. Preferably something expensive. But, unfortunately, there was nothing in her reach that was breakable. Or expensive.  
  
Her tracking device that had been on her wrist was gone. Artemis and Butler had deposited it in a whaler with a video message and explosives.  
  
"Hmm, I get the feeling we've done this before," said Butler. "Don't you think so?"  
  
"Yes, but that would be highly impossible," said Artemis, then going on to explain the highly renowned theory of reliving moments and past lives and such. Jennica swore some words he used were a hundred letters long.  
  
At first, she tried banging her bed against the floor, but it was too heavy. Just how had Holly lifted this thing? Oh well. She still had some magic left, anyway. Now to invite an unsuspecting person in.  
  
"I'm hungry!!", she yelled at the tiny camera in the corner. A roll-down screen appeared on the wall. "Fine, what do you fairies eat?" asked Juliet.  
  
"Got any dolphin?" she couldn't resist saying. "Hmm, haven't I heard that before?" said Juliet. "Anyway, no, we don't. That's disgusting!"  
  
"Then do you have any lobster?" asked Jennica. No fruit and vegetables, thank you very much. As long as she had to be here, she would eat something expensive. Juliet went to cook, wondering how a race that lived underground had heard of shellfish.  
  
"Here's your lobster, fairy girl," said Juliet as she came in, wearing sunglasses. Jennica had shielded, hoping Juliet would take them off in order to see better. "Where are you?" Juliet was about to take off her glasses, but decided against it. "I don't know. Something tells me this happened before, and I took off my glasses, and it didn't end well," she muttered, putting down the dish of food. She went out and locked the door on the way. "And I know you were shielded there in the corner. Just how stupid do you think I am?"  
  
"D'Arvit!" said Jennica. Something had gone wrong with the mind wipes. Some residual memories had stayed behind. The first thing she would do when she got back home was kick all the techies who had done them.  
  
So much for Plan A. Still, she always had a Plan B. And a Plan C, too, usually. She rummaged around in her pocket, finding sunglasses (with a little rhinestone detail) and a glittering purple cell phone. Perfect. It was the beginning of a plan. A strange plan, true, but probably an effective one.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Artemis wanted to keep a close eye on the prisoner, and so instructed Butler to install a monitor and a camera in every single room in the manor.  
  
Jennica stifled a laugh. This was going to be easier than she had thought.  
  
First, of course, there had to be window in room, or the whole plan would go down the drain. So, she banged on the walls until Artemis, having a terrible headache, asked what it would take for her to stop.  
  
"I need a window! I am horribly claustrophobic," she said. Which was a huge lie. Her favorite hobby was caving, which included climbing through all sorts of tiny spots.  
  
So, reluctantly, Artemis called a contractor to install a window (with a laser field) into the basement wall.  
  
At first, the company had said, "In the basement wall? What a crazy idea!  
  
"Why would you want to----"  
  
"Ten thousand pounds."  
  
"What a marvelous idea! Now, what is your bank account number?"  
  
"30092," said Artemis, not the least bit careful of anyone hearing. Which turned out to be a mistake. A very big mistake. Another landmark moment for Artemis Fowl.  
  
Downstairs, Jennica rubbed her hands together, smiling, and took out her cell phone. She dialed nine numbers: 1-800-P-I-Z-Z-A. **************************************************************************** ** Note: PLEASE R&R!!! (Whatever that means.) Disclaimer: I don't own anyone!!! (duh) But I own my unnamed character. Well, at least I think I do...... 


	5. Payback

Chapter Four - Payback  
  
"I'd like 100 pepperoni pizzas, please!" said Jennica to the astounded pizza chef.  
  
"Uh, this is a joke, right?" he said. "Le Pizza takes its time making pizzas." He scratched his head. "That could take days, ma'am."  
  
"I'll pay you ten thousand pounds."  
  
"Oh.... well, in that case, Le Pizza does not take its time making pizzas. Are you paying cash?"  
  
"Well, can you deduct it from my bank account? Number 30092."  
  
"Well, Le Pizza doesn't do that....... but it does now! Your order will be there in thirty minutes or less."  
  
"Just remember one thing. Take it to the basement, okay?"  
  
"Well, Le Pizza doesn't give pizzas to kids. Usually takes it to the front door....... but not anymore!"  
  
He put down the phone and called to all the employees. "Hey, everyone, step on it as fast as you can! We're gonna be rich!!!"  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Butler and Juliet rushed into Artemis's study. "We've got something important to tell you!"  
  
Artemis frowned. "Can't it wait? I'm monitoring the whaler right now. Still no sign of fairies."  
  
They looked at each other. "No!" they said together.  
  
"Very well then. What is so earth-shatteringly important?"  
  
"Well, this plan of yours," said Juliet, twisting her hair. "Uh, it's not working." "Why not?" asked Artemis, confused. His plans always seemed to work.  
  
"This fairy is driving us crazy!! She never shuts up!!," said Butler, not worrying about how professional his language was one bit. "What do you mean?"  
  
"' I'm hungry! I'm thirsty! I'm bored! I have to go to the bathroom! I'm hot! I'm cold!'", said Butler, obviously aggravated.  
  
"' Do you have a laptop? Nail polish? Ice cream? Trampoline? TV? Movies?'," added Juliet. "Honestly, I forget who is the prisoner here." Artemis almost laughed, but caught himself just in time. "Listen. Isn't a little aggravation worth millions of dollars in gold?" he sighed.  
  
Butler and Juliet looked at each other. "NO!" they said simultaneously.  
  
"You have to do something," said Butler, who looked to be on the verge of losing his sanity.  
  
"Very well," he said and walked downstairs. Time to take Ms. Annoying's confidence down a notch.  
  
That's what you think, thought Jennica.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
"Hello? Anyone there?" Jennica dialed Foaly's number on her cell phone.  
  
"Greetings. What happened to you? And why are you swimming in the middle of the Atlantic?" said Foaly, picking up on the other end. "Oh no. Don't tell me."  
  
"Well, I'm not going there. One near brush with death was enough for me," said Commander Root. "Captain Fields, what's your status?"  
  
A/N Well, at least her last name has something to do with plants :D  
  
Jennica rolled her eyes. Those military types. What did he think it was?  
  
"My status, Commander, is annoyed, bored, and angry. What do you think?"  
  
"Did you try the acorn thing?" asked Holly, picking up the phone.  
  
"I can't lift the bed. And I've got enough magic, anyways. I couldn't mesmerize Juliet because she wouldn't take off her sunglasses. She remembers something about that. Something went wrong with those mind wipes."  
  
"Hmm," said Holly. "Tried jumping out the window?"  
  
"Tried it. Laser field made me bounce back."  
  
"Air vent?"  
  
"Tried it. Got stuck."  
  
"Should we send help?" asked Root, actually concerned. That was another landmark moment.  
  
Jennica told them not to and filled them in on her plan.  
  
"Ingenious!"  
  
"Cool!"  
  
"Captain, that will never work!!"  
  
(You can guess who said what.)  
  
"Oh, but it is working," said Jennica happily.  
  
Someone was at the door punching in numbers, so she put down the phone and promised to call back soon.  
  
Artemis came in. "Sit, please," he said.  
  
Jennica wished she could get them all to regain their memories as soon as possible. These clichés were starting to get really annoying.  
  
"You know, last time I checked, Ireland was still a free country. Meaning that I could sit or stand, or knock you into the middle of next week, if I wanted to," said Jennica.  
  
"Was that a threat?" Artemis looked shocked, and a bit scared that Butler wasn't there with him now. And how come she didn't have to follow orders? Then it hit him. She was wearing sunglasses. Purple and glittery, true, but effective just the same.  
  
"I don't know. You're the genius here."  
  
Artemis, for the second time in his life, couldn't think of a witty comeback to that. He really should study that database, he thought to himself. While he did that, Jennica took a tiny step towards the door.  
  
Artemis sighed. "Captain Fields, if I were you, I wouldn't give attitude to my captor." There. That was pretty good, if he said so himself. He should put that in the database.  
  
"So, what's your grand plan?" said Jennica. Of course, she already knew what it was. Just keep talking. She ventured another tiny step. "World domination?"  
  
"Nothing so melodramatic. Just riches." Another step. "I will be the first to steal gold from you fairies."  
  
Another step. "That's nice," said Jennica and took another step. Only three feet to the door.  
  
"Perhaps you think I believe in that pot of gold nonsense, don't you? Well, no, now I know about your hostage fund."  
  
"That's nice." Another step. "But there is no hostage fund."  
  
"Oh, yes there is, you told me yourself. Look at your arm. That's where we administered the truth serum." Of course, that was a lie. There had been no truth serum, just a harmless prick with a sterilized needle. But she wouldn't tell her that.  
  
"I mean," said Jennica with exaggerated patience, "that there is no hostage fund anymore. Thanks to you. And no, I didn't tell you anything. And couldn't you have spared me the drama? I'm not a fan of needles." She took another step. Just two feet from the door.  
  
Artemis was very confused. How did she know so much about his plan? This was starting to scare him. And that didn't happen very often.  
  
"Oh yeah? How long do you think you've been here?"  
  
"An hour, genius. I have a watch." And with that, she made a jump for the door. She almost made it , but Artemis jumped out and closed the door at lighning speed, considering he wasn't much of an athlete.  
  
"D'Arvit!" said Jennica. Well, someone will come in again, she thought hopefully.  
  
"No way I'm going back in there. She scares me," he said to Butler and Juliet. "And you don't go back in there either." "D'Arvit," sighed Jennica.  
  
Foaly had heard the whole thing. Time for Plan .... um, well, he decided that it was past Z already. He pressed a series of numbers on the computer. In the study, Artemis's private phone started ringing.  
  
"Hello. Who is this?"  
  
"This is Foaly the centaur. Is that the double kidnapping lowlife human?"  
  
"Yes — wait, what do you mean double?"  
  
Foaly sighed and took a fresh carrot out of his personal stash. "Never mind. Now, let Jennica go."  
  
"And why would I do that?"  
  
"Because we're not going to pay. We're broke," he said, following Jennica's plan. "Sorry. I suppose you would need it........ especially now."  
  
"What?" Artemis was by now even more confused, if that were still possible.  
  
"Have you looked at your bank account lately? Number 30092."  
  
"I still have a lot there ....... hey, how do you know -  
  
He looked up the account on the Intenet. Ten thousand for the window for Miss Claustrophobic, but he was missing an extra.......... one hundred thousand pounds. "And there's more where that came from," said Jennica on the camera, holding up her cell phone. She had bought 100 pizzas, a trampoline, a stress ball, a laptop, and fifty different lip glosses. And to Artemis's horror, a bright red Corvette was being driven into the driveway. "Uh, pick up delivery for, um... this is a weird name.. Jennica Fields," he called.  
  
Artemis put his head down and banged it against the table.  
  
But, after a few calculations, he knew he only had one million dollars in that vault. And the gold would be worth much more than that.  
  
"I don't care how much she annoys me or how much money she takes. I know you have the money." And he hung up the phone.  
  
"Sorry, Jen," said Foaly. Jennica would have thought she was doomed right then and there had she not heard two people walking down the basement steps.  
  
"No, I think we'll get the laundry ourselves, Butler. You deserve a break," said Mrs. Fowl and pulled her husband after her.  
  
"But—" protested Butler.  
  
"But — " protested Mr. Fowl.  
  
Jennica smiled. Oh, this would work for sure.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
"Phew, that had been close," said Artemis to Butler and Juliet. "She almost —  
  
Mr. and Mrs. Fowl walked up the steps with Jennica in tow.  
  
"Son, you've got some major explaining to do."  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
A/N Phew!! Majorly humongously looooooooong chapter!!!!!!!!  
  
Hope you liked it though.  
  
Please R&R! (If you had the patience to read this far, you can submit a review!!!!!!!" :D 


	6. Recall

Chapter Five - Recall  
  
Disclaimer: Do I really have to write this in every chapter? Oh well, here goes.  
  
I own Artemis Fowl! And the whole world! Mwahahahahah!  
  
*Lawyer picks up cell phone threateningly*  
  
Ok Ok so I don't. But I do own this story's plot which is currently nonexistent. :) And my weirdly named character.  
  
Ok now without further ado here goes my fifth chapter.  
  
*crosses fingers* I hope someone out there will read it!  
  
Note: I believe this just might be funny. :D  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
"Uh, um," said Artemis.  
  
"Um, uh," said Butler.  
  
Artemis's father looked very mad. "Was this another of your grand schemes?" he asked accusingly.  
  
"Actually, Artemis wanted to turn the basement into a storage room, so I took some things down there. And closed the door, which he had conveniently forgotten to put a doorknob on," said Jennica. She hoped it sounded at least a tiny bit believable.  
  
"Uh, yeah, what she said," said Artemis.  
  
"And who are you? Artemis, will you please introduce your, uh, friend?" said Mrs. Fowl. She always like to know who her son was making friends with. Typical.  
  
"Jennica, a friend from, uh – "  
  
"The neighborhood," finished Jennica. Apparently she was a much better liar than Artemis was.  
  
"Right."  
  
After a long moment, Mr. and Mrs. Fowl believed this rather unusual explanation and went off. As soon as they were out of earshot, or, rather, when they thought they were, Artemis's father said, "Something is wrong with that girl, I tell you. Did you see her ears?"  
  
"Now, honey, don't judge a book by its – "  
  
"Ears?" asked Mr. Fowl.  
  
"Right. For all we know, she could have a medical condition."  
  
Jennica burst out giggling and so ducked under the table as quick as she could.  
  
Artemis looked thoroughly astonished. "What - why did you cover for me?" he asked with wide eyes. "Oh, that's because I wanted to kill you myself," said Jennica. Artemis immediately called "BUTLER!!!" as loud as he could possibly do.  
  
Butler came rushing in to protect his employer, forgetting his sunglasses in his haste. Which was another big mistake, of course. Juliet trailed along behind him.  
  
"Humans, when you hear the words 'good night', you will fall fast asleep and not wake up for a half hour," Jennica said layering her voice with the hypnotic mesmer. Both nodded happily, as if in a dream. Then they came to and realized where they were.  
  
"What's the problem, Artemis?" asked Butler, as if nothing at all had happened. "She just threatened to kill me! Help!" he said, with not too much hope, for he knew they wouldn't be able to protect him anyway. And sure enough, when they ran to impress upon their guest just how powerful they were, she said 'good night' with a smirk. Immediately they both fell down. With quite considerable effort Jennica managed to drag them onto the living room couches.  
  
Artemis looked about ready to faint. It was not often that he became so much as a little bit scared.  
  
"Please take off your sunglasses," said Jennica. For this memory-transfer procedure Artemis had to be listening very closely, which was not something that he did often. So she decided to improvise. "No way!" declared Artemis, deciding that a four-foot tall girl was no match for him.  
  
"Oh Mr. Fowl!" called Jennica innocently.  
  
"Okay, okay, I get it," said Artemis, taking off his sunglasses. "And those reflective contact lenses," added Jennica, and Artemis did so, reluctantly. Apparently he was more scared of his parents than having his mind controlled. Go figure.  
  
"Do you remember anything about the LEP? Foaly? Commander Root? The C Cube? Or, perhaps, Captain Holly Short?" asked Jennica, trying her best with the mesmer. It didn't come very easily for her, for it required a very low bass- kind of voice, and hers was very high.  
  
"No. Are they on some TV show?"  
  
"Okay, Fowl, I'll tell you the whole story. Now listen up and believe me. Got that?" "Mmm, hmm," said Artemis. For some reason, he seemed very odd not glaring at somebody at the moment.  
  
And so Jennica explained the whole story of his meetings with the People, taking out the Artemis Fowl books for help. It was very long, thought Jennica, considering it was only two years of memories. It seemed to take longer than that to tell it.  
  
When she was finished, she stared at Artemis hopefully. Once his brain processed all this information, all his memories came flooding back like a hundred thousand rivers at once. "Wow, thank you so very much! I almost lost the whole fairy world to me for ever!" he said, unnaturally happy.  
  
Without thinking, he lifted Jennica up and danced around the kitchen. She wished she had brought her digital camera. Blackmailing videos fetched a very high price on WeBay (the fairy version of E-Bay.)  
  
"Oookay. Awkward," she said, and thankfully Artemis set her down. Suddenly he remembered his latest scheme. "I, uh, well, I'm, uh, very sorry," he said, truly looking apologetic. That was a first. "Will – uh, would – you ever forgive me?"  
  
"Well — " thought Jennica. "Okay. Got any more lobster?"  
  
Halfway through her Maine Rock lobster, she remembered something. "I'm sorry too. Well, uh, you see, um, your bank account ---- "  
  
"Oh, I already know I'm missing a little."  
  
"Well, I also ordered some other stuff — "  
  
Artemis looked pretty worried. "How much for everything, exactly?"  
  
At that moment, Butler and Juliet woke up and rubbed their eyes. "Uh, five hundred thousand," said Jennica and cringed.  
  
"Five?" said Artemis. "Hundred?" said Juliet. "Thousand?" finished Juliet. And they all fainted upon hearing the amount.  
  
"Oh well," said Jennica, and went and got a pizza pie to eat until they woke up.  
  
**************************************************************************** ** A/N Well, what do you think? * holds breath until turns blue* Was it sort of funny? * crosses fingers yet again* PLEASE review!!!!!! ;) Be honest please, do you think she is a MS? I don't think so but I'm not sure. And please answer this survey: do you think they should fall in love? No way, right? Thanks ;)  
  
coolcube, who spends life waiting for reviews........ 8:-D 


	7. Jennica's Guide To Life

Chapter 6 - Jennica's Guide to Life  
  
A/N Well, I am not sure what to save the People from exactly, so I decided to write this. Anyone got any ideas?  
  
I promise I'll get back to the story... EVENTUALLY! Actually, in the next chapter I will.  
  
Thanks for all the reviews!! Wow I can't believe people like this. I know, I know, I've got to stop reading Artemis Fowl and be more optimistic.  
  
KALI - Holly didn't do the mission, well, because they were afraid she would kill Artemis had he locked her in a cell again. Though she really wanted to see her favorite Mud Boy again........  
  
Disclaimer: I still own Artemis Fowl and Co. And the whole world. Mwhahahahahahahahahaha! *laughs evilly while holding up blackmail photo* *AF cast, Eoin Colfer, and lawyers nod furiously* Right. Hey, what's this........ *looks at dangerous court summons* Ah, well, it was worth a shot.... I don't own Artemis Fowl and Co. or any related stuff whatsoever.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Jennica was bored to death. Honestly, how can someone faint after hearing an amount of money? She had returned everything except for a couple of lip glosses and the pizzas. Someone picked up the phone in the pizza shop and said no one was there, but he had seen the whole crew walk away holding a bunch of Bahamas cruise brochures. So, she decided to write a story. A list, to be precise. A guide to life. On how to be incredibly annoying.  
  
Jennica's Guide To Life  
  
1. Always wear sunglasses when inside anyone's house. Always. You'll understand later.  
  
2. Always have a lot of lip gloss in your pocket.  
  
3. Plus sunglasses and a cell phone if you are going to Fowl Manor. Trust me.  
  
4. Laugh at everyone and everything. Even if it's not funny at all.  
  
5. But not at Artemis Fowl's jokes.  
  
6. And not at Butler. Ever. You can see why.  
  
7. Always eat the most expensive thing available at someone's house. And at restaurants.  
  
8. Unless you are paying, of course.  
  
9. Eavesdrop on everyone's conversations. Especially if they are giving their bank numbers.  
  
10. If your boss yells at you, just push yourself up to full height. If you are a foot taller, that is.  
  
11. Then proceed to yell at your boss.  
  
12. Threaten to quit the LEP if they don't serve lobster.  
  
13. If someone makes fun of your ears, act really hurt and insist it's a medical condition.  
  
14. When someone asks why you always ask to come in, act really hurt again and say you just want to be really polite.  
  
15. Wear bright colors and glitter. And lots of lip gloss. Never wear black. Ever. Unless, of course, you are sneaking in to a movie theater.  
  
16. Cheat at cards, Monopoly, Poppit, and everything else.  
  
17. Cheat at the IQ test and scare Artemis Fowl.  
  
18. Always bring a Polaroid camera when returning Artemis's memories. Take a picture and blackmail. Laugh. Repeat. Laugh. Repeat.  
  
19. Always have an acorn and some soil in your pocket.  
  
20. But NEVER with your lip gloss, sunglasses, or cell phone.  
  
21. Never volunteer for a mission that seems too easy. Say, one to Fowl Manor. Trust me.  
  
22. If you do, be prepared for a big high-five from Holly.  
  
23. Lie better than a goblin. But always cross your fingers.  
  
24. When learning to fly, do it in a safe place. Like, say, the desert.  
  
25. But NEVER in New York City. Trust me. (Ouch.)  
  
26. Always order more pizzas than you need. Say, 99 more.  
  
27. Get around to killing Artemis one of these days. Promises have to be kept, right?  
  
28. If you have to spit out a drink, make sure you're standing across from someone. Preferably someone in a new suit.  
  
29. Always keep a 10 ft. radius between yourself and Mulch Diggums. If not 100 ft. Trust me.  
  
30. If you consider listening to anything Artemis says, bring a college dictionary.  
  
31. If you consider listening to anything Juliet says, bring a copy of Preteen magazine.  
  
32. Act like you know everything.  
  
34. Then when out of earshot, ask Foaly to fill you in.  
  
35. Never shut up. Ever. Not even when you're sleeping.  
  
36. Always find something good in a bad situation. Then proceed to take advantage. Big time.  
  
37. Never fall in love with anyone whose IQ is larger than your credit card balance.  
  
38. If you do, proceed to hit yourself on the head. Hard.  
  
39. Don't try to negotiate with cameras.  
  
40. Or 12- year old boy geniuses.  
  
41. When life gives you lemons, throw them back and hit life on the head.!  
  
Hmmm, thought Jennica. I really should get this published when I get back home.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
A/N Well, what do you think? I think it's funny. Then again, I think everything is funny.  
  
( )  
  
What do you think?  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! Please, please, pretty please?  
  
*looks up with huge puppy dog eyes*  
  
And oh yes, DO NOT forget my very important survey? Should they fall in love or not?  
  
Will update as soon as.................... I feel like it! Actually, will update soon as writer's block is gone. :( 


	8. A Mission, Again

Chapter Seven - A Mission (Again.)  
  
Disclaimer / Note:  
  
Thank you thank you thank you for the great reviews!! *drowns in pieces of paper* *sees AF cast standing nearby* Me: Heeelp! Cast: No, not until you say it. Me: But - but- oh all right. I don't own anything Artemis Fowl. *pulled out of pile of papers by cast* Me: But I will! I'll get you people in the next chapter! Mwahahahahahah! *thrown back into pile by cast*  
  
Happynutcase: Wow you like the name of my character!! I can't believe it :) Yes I won't make them fall in love unless I'm inspired. *bright halo flashes above head* Oh the MS test it doesn't work! I tried the link in somebody's review and it had an error. What is the URL? I would need that ;)  
  
Ally : Wow thanks! I will continue! I always wanted a street named after me! But are you sure you can do that??  
  
The Toaster: I am trying my best to make her not a MS. But I just can't change her name I know it's weird!! Her last name has something to do with plants.... well, a little at least :) What is an origonal character? Do you mean original? She won't have a super power and I promise she won't have purple eyes and beautiful shining hair that seems to change colour and was really sleek . *cough* no way!! Thanks to Tailana(Tails and SpikeTV58 too. And.......  
  
I'd like to thank the Academy!!  
  
Artemis: My gosh, how dramatic. Juliet: How touching. Root: Just get on with the story, will ya? Jennica: Yes, don't you want to hear about my shining hair and purple eyes *cough* Artemis: How did I get stuck with her in this story?? Butler: Please, can we get a move on????? Artemis: Whatever. She still owes me 100 thousand pounds!!  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Root and Foaly were on conference in the appropriately named conference room. The commander puffed on yet another noxious fungus cigar. Artemis was glad to be back at Fowl Manor and not in his vicinity.  
  
"So, the gang's all here," said Root. "And guess what? I don't like gangs."  
  
"Look, I could excuse Artemis for the clichés because he was mind wiped, but not you!" said Jennica, who apparently had something against saying anything twice. "Er- right. Now, the reason I called this conference--- " began Foaly on the other screen, who was unfortunately sitting right next to Root.  
  
"Is because you need me to help you yet again," sighed Artemis. "What would you do without me?"  
  
"Hey, wait just a minute, human–" began Root angrily.  
  
Holly appeared on a third screen and attempted to calm Root down before he exploded, then turned to Artemis and said, "You owe us, human."  
  
"So do you!" declared Artemis. "I helped you with the Koboi incident. That's not fair!"  
  
Foaly snorted and inadvertently choked on his beetle juice. "Like you would know anything about fair."  
  
"And then we helped you find your father and get the cube back," finished Holly.  
  
"Um, er - right," admitted Artemis. "Is this going to be dangerous?"  
  
Foaly started to explain what was happening. Apparently a crazed villain had cut off all of the power to Haven. No shuttles, television, radios, computers — or cell phones, either.  
  
Jennica spit out her Coke all over Butler, who had just bought another new suit. White again. Which was, as he now learned, a bad idea. "My cell phone?!" she questioned, shocked.  
  
"Yaay!" said Artemis, involuntarily abandoning his proficient vocabulary.  
  
"LISTEN! OUR CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT IS IN DANGER! WORRY ABOUT YOUR CELL PHONE LATER! FOCUS HERE!" bellowed Root, looking very much like a steamed lobster.  
  
"Right," said Artemis as everyone took their hands off their ears. "What do we do?"  
  
Foaly scratched his hairy belly. "Well, it is you, technically. Seeing as we can't get to the surface any time soon.... Er, the plan is simple, really, just break into this lowlife's secret hideout - which was not so secret as soon as I hacked into — "  
  
"Get on with it!" said Root while impatiently tapping his fingers on the table.  
  
"Right. Break in and switch the power back on. And while you're at it, you could knock this creep out until we get there. Easy."  
  
Jennica looked worried. She wasn't the breaking-and-entering type of person. And, anyway, it was forbidden to enter another's dwelling without permission. "Couldn't Mulch do it?"  
  
"Still in jail, and unfortunately he was in a terrible, um, encounter with a couple of goblins," said Holly, cringing. "And we do sort of have an invitation. Hear for yourself."  
  
A menacing voice crackled on the speakers. "Let anyone come in here. It will make no difference in the proceedings. They won't make it out, anyway," it said, sounding strangely like Artemis. That is, before he laughed his classic evil laugh. Artemis would never do that in a million years. Unless, of course, thought Juliet, someone would pay him.  
  
"See?" said Foaly. "All taken care of. Now, we're in a time stop, thanks to my -" Root sighed loudly, but Foaly paid not the slightest notice. "– revolutionary technology, so you have until tomorrow to work out your ingenious plan. You'll work together, right? That means you too, Jennica and Artemis."  
  
"But---" protested Jennica.  
  
"But---" protested Artemis.  
  
"Please?" whined Foaly. And a centaur whining is something to hear. "We are all counting on you." Great, thought Jennica. No mission will ever be as easy as it seems. And neither would this one, as she was about to find out.  
  
At that exact moment, Mr. and Mrs. Fowl walked up the stairs. "HUMAN!!!" shouted Holly and all three immediately switched off their monitors.  
  
"Artemis, dinner!" said Mrs. Fowl, walking into the room. "And bring your friend here, too."  
  
"Er - I don't have to wear a dress or anything, right?" asked Jennica, who looked even more worried now than about saving the world. Go figure.  
  
No one said anything, and Jennica took that to be a yes, you do. With a great sigh, she followed Juliet to her room to find one. Preferably something expensive.  
  
Mr. Fowl walked up to get a closer look at her ears, and then followed his wife out. On the way to the dining room, he whispered, "I tell you. Something is definitely wrong with that girl's ears!"  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
A/N hope that was good! sorry I took so long to update. It would have had another part, but I didn't want to make this chapter so incredibly long. Will have next chapter next week because school is off!! YAAAY! :)  
  
coolcube, who is still spending life waiting for reviews .............................................  
  
8:-} 


	9. Surprises

Chapter Eight - Surprises  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Me: I am tired, so I won't even bother to try and say I own Artemis Fowl & Co. Cast: *breathes sigh of relief* Artemis: Really? Me: NO! *net traps cast and lawyers and pulls up into air* Mwahahahahahahahaha! I now own Artemis Fowl and Co. for EVER!! And there's nothing you can do about it!!!! Artemis: You're right, but he can! *lawyer magically appears holding yet another dangerous court summon* Me: D'Arvit! How did you escape! Lawyer: Life is a mystery. Me: *grumbles* Fine. IdontownanyArtemisfowlcharactersoranyrelatedstuff. Cast and Lawyer: YAY! Now we can read the chapter! Cast: Wait a minute, will you get us down from here?!?!?!? Me: Hmm, let me think, no! Cast: HEEELP!! Me: *puts on earplugs* Now here is the chapter!  
  
:) Don't you just love my disclaimers?? Another vote, which is better, my disclaimers or the story?  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Jennica was walking down the Fowls' winding ornate eighteenth-century staircase. Not as easy a task as it sounds. High heels did not cooperate with Jennica. Or winding staircases. This mission just keeps getting better and better, she thought.  
  
She contemplated how great even Armani loafers would be right now, even though she wouldn't be caught dead in those. Or a dress, either. Good thing her camera was in the off position or she would never hear the end of it at the LEP.  
  
While meditating on that very comforting thought, her five-inch heels snagged on the carpeting and she lost her balance, consequently toppling down the stairs most unceremoniously. She dearly hoped no one saw that.  
  
Artemis, who just happened to be conveniently at the middle of the steps on the way to dinner, caught her mid-fall. His usual blank expression turned to slightly amused.  
  
"Oookay. Awkward," said Jennica. "Why does this keep happening?" Artemis shrugged and set her down, walking on to dinner. She followed along as best she could, almost tripping twice.  
  
The long hallway's walls were covered with huge portraits of generations of Fowls, all looking smug and kind of spooky. After seemingly half a mile, it gave way to the enormous dining room, in which all the Fowls were seated in their best outfits. What was it with rich people and dressing for dinner, wondered Jennica.  
  
She took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. After all, how hard could it be to bluff Artemis's parents for just a couple of hours more? Artemis had been doing it all these years. So, she sat down and stared at the array of forks on the table, selecting the one that seemed right. Artemis kept signaling something to her that apparently meant a 'no', because everyone seemed to be on the verge of laughing. It stopped when she chose the last available fork. That was pretty embarrassing, if she said so herself. She really would have to make a database for these kinds of things.  
  
"So, what's your name?" Mrs. Fowl asked her guest when she had regained her composure.  
  
"Jennica," said Jennica truthfully, and immediately regretted it, for the whole room looked to be about to giggle again. "That's an, um, interesting name," said Mr. Fowl. His wife nudged him with her elbow, hard.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked, rubbing his arm.  
  
"For being an idiot," replied Mrs. Fowl.  
  
"Okay," said Mr. Fowl.  
  
A/N OK, OK. I know that's from "The Amanda Show" but I couldn't resist! :)  
  
"So, where do you live, um, Jennica?" he asked, pulling his arm away.  
  
"Um, uh," she said.  
  
"On the end of the block ," replied Artemis.  
  
"Uh, yeah, what he said," said Jennica nervously.  
  
Mrs. Fowl looked unconvinced. "I know the people who live there, and you don't," she said, pretty confused.  
  
"Oh, did I say this block, well, I meant next block."  
  
Mr. Fowl looked up from his pepperoni pizza they were eating since there was so much of it. "You don't live there either. I know you don't live anywhere near here," he said mysteriously, finishing off his sixth slice.  
  
"Oh, did I say next block, I meant next town, see — "  
  
"Your friend is quite the actress, Artemis, " said Mrs. Fowl. "She really should audition."  
  
Jennica choked mid-slice. "What did you say?" she asked innocently.  
  
"Say, you're a really good liar. Want to join our company?" asked Mr. Fowl. His wife nudged him again, harder this time.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked, rubbing his arm again.  
  
"For being an idiot," replied Mrs. Fowl.  
  
"Okay," he said, turning to his son, who was even paler than usual. "Did you think we were born yesterday? We know about your little plot."  
  
Artemis spit out his Irish coffee for the umpteenth time today. Luckily, Butler ducked just in time. "You do?"  
  
A/N I know, I know, this story has too many spit takes. But AF has too many people passing out! So there! :)  
  
"Of course. Parents know everything. Are you okay, dear?" asked Mrs. Fowl, turning to Jennica.  
  
"Are you going to press charges?" asked Mr. Fowl. Angeline tried to nudge him again, even harder, but luckily he slid over, vowing to sit somewhere else for the rest of his life. Jennica assured them that she was fine, and wouldn't, conveniently leaving out the part about her lawyer quitting.  
  
"Well, good, then," they said together. "Good luck saving the world tomorrow!"  
  
"This book was good," said Mrs. Fowl, laying a copy of the Book of the fairies they had swiped from Artemis's room on the table. "Does it have a sequel?"  
  
"And by the way, Artemis, you are grounded for a month!" added Mr. Fowl, and were just about to walk out when their guest began to look slightly hypnotized. Juliet looked up from her copy of Preteen, and Butler from his of Guns & Ammo.  
  
But Artemis didn't notice. "How did you know all this?" he asked his parents. "I have my ways," said Mr. Fowl. Artemis looked confused. He looked at his father, who didn't look like he was going to tell the truth any time soon, and then at Jennica. "Oh no," he said.  
  
"Are you okay, fairy girl?" asked Juliet, concerned. Jennica looked as if in a dream. "No, I have a horrible headache, I am going to throw up from all this pizza, and I'm almost out of lip gloss. I wish I could have a brownie. I'm scared of mosquitos, and I want to be a computer programmer when I grow up."  
  
Everyone looked just about to call the emergency room because she looked like she had snapped. Juliet started to reach for the house phone.  
  
"I think Root will have a heart attack next week, I wish there were more lobsters in the world, I cheated on the IQ test, I have an imaginary dog, I am scared of the dark, I can play the banjo, and I think Artemis is kind of cute..... in a creepy and evil way." She blinked and shook her head, coming back to earth in a flash. "Why is everyone staring at me?" she asked, dumbfounded.  
  
Butler and Juliet started giggling despite all their attempts at trying not to. Artemis fell of his chair in shock, and immediately ran away from his parents, who looked about ready to kill him.  
  
"What'd I miss?" asked Jennica. Juliet explained, amid gales of laughter. Jennica turned pale white, even more so than Artemis, at what she had just revealed to these strangers. "You are SO dead, this time for real!" she said to a blushing but terrified Artemis.  
  
Juliet and Butler rushed immediately to protect their Principal to no avail. "Good night," she said, and they were soon snoozing on the Oriental rug. Artemis thought he would be dead right then and there and covered his eyes.  
  
Jennica whacked him squarely on the head with an expensive feather pillow from the Fowls' living room. A surprised Artemis fought back, shyly admitting to himself that however childish this was, it was actually fun. Barely five minutes later, their pillows burst and the room resembled a snowstorm from the Ice Age. Either that,or a bakery with very inexperienced employees.  
  
Mr. Fowl surveyed the scene, not quite as angry as before."Who knows, those two crazy kids might just make it," he declared, loudly enough for them to hear. Mrs. Fowl, once again, nudged him with her elbow.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked, rubbing his arm yet again.  
  
"For being an idiot," replied Mrs. Fowl.  
  
"Okay," he grumbled and followed his wife up the winding (and dangerous) staircase, but he couldn't resist one final gibe.  
  
"Oh, and by the way, Artemis, make that two months!"  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
A/N bad, baaad, chapter!!! I really should delete this but I don't know how to so I guess I'll just finish it. Please review!  
  
I promise next chapter will have some of the promised Action/Adventure too!  
  
By coolcube, who is afraid of horrible reviews right now and is waiting crossing fingers, holding breath, and turning blue. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) 


End file.
